Hello, friends and classmates. Apparently, we're supposed to post our leads on our blogs. For the record, I prefer to write my story and then write my lead. Whatever. It's not like anyone reads this blog, anyway. We get to pick codenames, which is cool. Here are my four choices for a codename: A) Brutus (a reference to the Roman senator who killed the tyranical Julius Caeser), B) Banquo (the name of a character in Macbeth- pretty cool name, right?), C) Masada (Masada is the name of the fortress where freedom-loving Jews resisted the tyranical romans- I'm starting to notice a pattern in my name choices.), D) Guiteau (Guiteau was the name of the man who killed President Garfield.).
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. These are my leads (sorry that they suck).
1. His face is twisted, haunting, almost gleeful. His smile is... grotesquely mesmerizing. His favorite books are the Communist Manifesto and Mein Kampf. He was thrown out of community college and described as a security threat. Yet, this man, Jared Lee Loughner, is allowed to purchase a weapon that holds 30 bullets.
2. January 8th, 2011. Justice John Roll is on his way to thank a congresswoman who backed his appointment. 9 year old Christina Taylor-Green is going to visit the same congresswoman. She is a little league star and a member of her school’s student council. Christina, Justice Roll, and more than 20 other Americans are planning to visit Rep. Gabrielle Giffords at a “Congress on your Corner” event. Little do these people know that this trip might be their last.
3. It’s another morning in Tuscon, Arizona, but something just feels different. Shoppers file through the lines of the Casas Adobes shopping mall, ignoring the horrific events that occured there. Students at the Pima Community College are filing in to classes, trying to avoid the memory of a peer’s deeds. Meanwhile, over 600 miles away, the bell at Columbine High School rings. Past events linger quietly over each setting, haunting and stunning those who think of them. In all these places, the question is the same: How could this happen?
Posted by "Banquo"
I like the third, but I think you should do a little more prior to the last sentence to bind the events together. Not sure what. Also, don't worry about people reading your writing.
ReplyDeleteI prefer the 1st one. they all have a dramatic feel, nearing on over-dramatic, so you may want to watch your words.
ReplyDeleteI'd go with masada for the name.
I like the first,it's suspenseful and feels like it's leading into something
ReplyDeleteI like Shakespeare, so I'm for Banquo
ReplyDeleteAlso, on reflection, give your lead (the third one), more personality. Highlight a child crying or someone standing in the middle of the mall shaking. These are real people we're talking about here, and highlighting reactions will give your lead more of a vivid feel than simply a narrative or descriptive one.
ReplyDeleteyeah, I like Banquo too
ReplyDeleteDefinitely the first lead. It was great how you described somebody that seemed like a really bad guy, and then threw in the twist that he could buy a gun. I would definitely keep on reading, good job.
ReplyDeleteJR
you should choose banquo
I liked the 1st and thiord post the most it really made me want to keep reading the story. great job.
ReplyDeleteoh and by the way you should go with banquo. it sounds really cool to meh... :)
I would say the first lead. At first i couldn't tell where it was going, it almost seemed like you were trying to do the "most interesting man in the world" thing, and i was convinced to keep reading after the surprising statement at the end
ReplyDeleteThanks for the imput. I'm going with the first one.
ReplyDeleteAdditionally- I chose "Banquo"
I agree that your first and third leads were the strongest. The first one, however, definitely grabbed my attention more and was really effective as a twist lead. You have a sense of parallelism "His face... His smile... His favorite books..." Could you rephrase your 4th sentence to follow that same pattern?
ReplyDelete- Mrs. Young